


To My Youth

by ellekim94



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Character Death, Chenle Renjun Ten and Kun Are Mentioned, Heavy Angst, I Repeat This Is Not A Happy Fic, I Searched NCT Vocal Line And They Showed Up, I'm Sorry HyuckIl/MarkHyuck Deserves Better, JaeYong Is Mentioned, M/M, Please This Is Not A Happy Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-07-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:53:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,811
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25398724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellekim94/pseuds/ellekim94
Summary: Taeil doesn't open his messages during the weekend. On Monday, when he opened them, he sees ambiguous messages from his friends he hasn't seen for months.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Moon Taeil, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Moon Taeil
Kudos: 20





	To My Youth

**Author's Note:**

> Please listen to Bolbbalgan4's 'To My Youth' while reading this. It helps.
> 
> Also, if my warning tags didn't stop you, I don't like spoiling the story in the notes at the beginning because not everyone wants to be spoiled. If you want to be spoiled, scroll fast to notes at the end for the actual spoiler before reading.

Taeil despises Monday mornings for a lot of reasons which is why when he becomes in charge of their office schedule, he advertently schedules himself to report at the office any day besides Monday. In their office, they are only required to report thrice a week. There’s just something he absolutely dislikes about waking up so early the following day immediately after a weekend of not thinking about… well, much.

He doesn’t open his Facebook or Messenger that much during the weekend as well. It’s filled with work-related stuff anyway. Why will he put himself in the same agony he is forced to go through five days a week whether he reports to office or not during those two days of the week where he can confidently shut himself out from anything work-related and shut anybody else with their office ‘work-life balance’ policy? Actually, he’s been thinking of creating another Facebook and Messenger for a long time, specifically for reaching out to friends and family but he realizes it’s too much trouble especially for him who doesn’t have that much friends and even family to reach out to.

He leaves his social media alone for the weekend and starts a new anime that weekend instead. He can literally hear his mother’s voice on his apartment even though he is alone asking him why he is still watching anime at his age. He forces himself to focus on the boy who can shoot fire through his feet because there is no such age to watch anime especially when these shows are far more decent than half of those with real humans involved.

Even though he doesn’t report to office every Monday, he still has to work at home which means that Taeil has to be active in social media again because their company can’t afford their own office messaging application and they are using the usual Messenger. It’s his habit that come Monday, he will open every conversation that left messages over the weekend. He feels like he owes that much to these people especially if they are not work-related people who left him messages over the weekend.

He will usually feel guilty especially if it is his parents who messaged him or his friends but he just can’t bring himself to care enough to check the messages on his self-proclaimed social media detoxicating days. Frankly, Taeil doesn’t even talk to anybody these days. He just can’t find the energy within himself to speak to people that reminded him of home now that he has to suck it up and work just wherever to support himself and be a proper adult or to people that reminded him of youth when he did everything he wanted to do and when he did everything he actually loved to do now that seemed like only a dream.

There are eleven conversations: two of which are work-related (he decided to check them last), two from his favorite places to order takeout (they are offering discounts), one from a friend while he was working as a taxi driver (he wanted to know if there are vacancies in his office), one from his group chat with his friends at the office (one of his friends sent a meme about people victimizing themselves which they have a lot in their office), three from different family group chats his mother added him to (pictures of new babies in the family, pictures of plants from one aunt, pictures of dishes from another aunt), one from a high school classmate (she is offering insurance), and lastly, one from his group chat with his college friends.

Taeil stares at a picture of two hands put together in a praying manner and the words Jaehyun put underneath it: Just received the news earlier. Let’s send our prayers.

Below that, Doyoung also has a message but he just tagged Donghyuck’s name.

Now, Taeil is intrigued. He wondered if something happened to Hyuck. He opens his Facebook (there are nine notifications and he doesn’t bother checking them) and goes to Hyuck’s profile.

Taeil may have unfollowed everyone in Facebook because he doesn’t feel like seeing everything his Facebook friends wanted to show the world without actually knowing what is up with them in reality. It’s one of the things he dislikes about social media, the insatiable need for people to show the world how perfect their lives are even though it’s the complete opposite after they logged out of their accounts. He has an officemate who will often post about expensive gifts her husband will get her but will often openly complain about getting hit by her own husband in front of their son in the office. How can he possibly like some post of a brand new smartwatch that was supposed to be from her husband that she posted when he sees her almost permanent black eye every time he sees her?

To be honest, the last time he heard of Hyuck, or any of his friends, was during Hyuck’s wedding. Or better said, the last time Taeil made an effort to look up what his friends have been doing, at least in social media, was after Hyuck’s wedding which meant the evening of Hyuck’s wedding and that’s it. That was seven months ago. He can still remember how cold it was when Hyuck got married to his boyfriend of eight months, Mark, and how alcohol was not even enough to warm them up after the ceremony.

He scrolls up Donghyuck’s profile. Everything is familiar information. Donghyuck works at a software company. He studied at Konkuk University. They all did. That’s where they all met, specifically at Konkuk University’s choir practice room. He lives at Seoul. He is from Seoul. And he is married to Mark Lee.

The first thing Taeil sees in Donghyuck’s profile is a picture someone he doesn’t know posted. It looked like a high school picture which makes sense why Taeil doesn’t know the person who posted it on Donghyuck’s wall.

Below it, there’s a post of Hyuck’s sister in Hyuck's wall: Please continue to pray for my brother. And then, she tagged Hyuck’s name.

Taeil continues to scroll up, reviewing previous posts in Hyuck’s wall, and he sees over twenty posts of Mark which are all just pictures of prayers about healing except that one he posted yesterday with which he wrote: We can do everything, my love. All of these are just trials. Everything will be okay because God is with us. Get well soon, my love. I love you so much.

Is Hyuck sick? How is he sick? Why is he sick? Those are the questions that are flooding his mind at the moment when he sees Mark’s posts. Then, he receives a notification from his college group chat again. It’s Doyoung again.

He said: He was just messing with me recently about my new job. And then, there was a crying emoji.

Usually, when there are conversations like this in the group chat, unless they specifically call out Taeil’s name or someone asks him a question that has his name tagged on it, Taeil will only read the messages. But that time, he briefly wonders if he should reply on the group chat for a second before he closed that conversation and types Doyoung’s name on the search bar of Messenger.

Taeil sent Doyoung a message: What happened to Hyuck?

He is still in his pajamas that Monday morning. He is wondering if he should order from one of his favorite takeout places with discounts or just eat cereals for breakfast. He is thinking about the load of work he has for the day given how he pretty much ignored everything over the weekend and opted to watch anime. He is trying to figure out what happened to Hyuck in between all those thoughts when Doyoung replies to him.

Three words.

The younger only replies three words.

_Last year, after Taeil lost his job at his previous company before his current one, he suddenly receives a message from his college friends early April. Yuta tagged him on their idle group chat on Messenger (or Taeil thought it’s idle because he put the conversation in ‘mute until I turn it back on’) and only added one word after his name: beach._

_Which was why Taeil found himself driving the taxi the company he was driving for was letting him drive after telling him a university graduate like him was overqualified to be a taxi driver but if he wanted money, they could use an additional driver if he was okay with the pay to Busan three days after Jungwoo announced he was coming even before he could confirm it to the group himself._

_Everyone was already there when he arrived. It was pretty much like what Yuta told him. Jungwoo took care of everything already and all he had to do was show up and contribute like everyone else and they can have the reunion they all have been planning for years now._

_It was still cold to swim but alcohol made it possible. After binge eating the obviously too much meat Jungwoo prepared for everybody, they bathe under the moonlight until about midnight. Doyoung couldn’t hold his alcohol well and excused himself to bed early on. Jaehyun, who brought his boyfriend, Taeyong were pretty much on their own world. Same goes with Chenle and Renjun who were talking about university dissertations. Yuta and Jungwoo were still finishing the last of the dinner and that left Taeil and Donghyuck by themselves._

_It was the usual dynamics. It was how they used to be._

_Hyuck told him about this guy he wanted to date but turned out he was already dating another guy. He told stories about his sister and his brothers and how he was the only one who could never remember important dates like birthdays and anniversaries. Taeil laughed at him and said that’s probably why he was still single. Hyuck made a face at him but didn’t retort and pointed out that Taeil was still very much single like him and also a lot older. He told Taeil about his new job at the software company and how he didn’t know a lot of people could be very difficult to work with despite how skilled they were._

_They didn’t notice Jungwoo and Yuta had long finished their extended dinner and Chenle and Renjun went back to their room already until Jaehyun was telling them he and Taeyong were also going back. He didn’t miss the chance to tease the two that they could still stay and talk about everything under the moon until the following morning when they would be going for a banana boat ride._

_Hyuck only laughed it off and looked back at Taeil, offering his hand to the older. “Let’s go back,” he simply said._

_Taeil smiled and nodded, letting himself be pulled up and off the water by Hyuck._

_It was a long joke. Something their friends never got over with. Hyuck was clingy and could be very affectionate. Not everything could take that affection except Taeil. Taeil was quiet and could be very isolated at times. Not anyone could tear those walls anytime the same way Hyuck does. Their friends, Doyoung and Jaehyun mostly, used to tease them to just date. At first, Taeil though Hyuck would become awkward and avoid him but Hyuck never did. He remained the same with Taeil which Taeil was always grateful for._

_The wedding day was already decided when Hyuck sent him an invitation. Actually, he sent it to their group chat and tagged everyone. When Taeil saw it, there were already around thirty messages from everyone that has various combinations of words that all meant: Taeil, are you okay?_

_Taeil wondered how long the joke was supposed to last when he simply replied to Hyuck’s original message and sent: Congratulations! He wasn’t a fan of emojis but to better convey to Hyuck how happy he felt for him and to everyone that yes, Taeil was absolutely okay, he added one heart emoji, one hugging emoji, and one gift emoji._

That’s seven months ago. Taeil hasn’t heard about Hyuck or anyone after the wedding. Work takes a lot of his time. After being a taxi driver for a couple of months, he realizes working in the office involves taking care of people’s feelings, too, which tends to be more taxing and stressful than the actual work itself whereas when he’s driving, he can pretty much play something in the radio and leave the passenger alone until they reach their destination and they pay him. Simple as that. No strings attached.

He stares at Doyoung’s messages following the first one he sent. He still hasn’t recovered from the first message. He still hasn’t comprehended it yet. And then, he began crying before he can even think he should be crying.

He read Doyoung’s messages over and over again but the messages don’t change meaning.

Hyuck is dead.

Last Saturday, they told us he has leukemia.

They just confirmed it last Saturday. Then, this morning, he’s gone.

We were so shocked. He just called me last Saturday, hyung.

Taeil reads the messages again. They still mean the same every time he reads them. They don’t change. When he saw the messages in the group chat, he thought Hyuck is just sick. He thought maybe he has an accident which was why he needs prayers. Accidents needs prayers, right? Then, he went to Hyuck’s profile and saw Mark’s messages for Hyuck and maybe Hyuck is sitll in the hospital. They need more people to pray for him. They need more prayers. Maybe Hyuck can still recover. Maybe he is still recovering.

How do you think someone is dead?

How does it ever cross your mind that someone, a good person, a good friend, is dead? It doesn’t. Your mind is wired to think about every other possibility except that final one.

He holds his phone in his shaking hands and wondered if he hadn’t agreed to Jungwoo last year, could he have hold Hyuck’s hand again?

Taeil hates sunglasses. He just doesn’t see the purpose of putting something in your eyes that will obscure how much clearly you can see the world without it. But he’s wearing now, a very dark one for the matter. He also doesn’t like caps that much but he’s also wearing one now because he honestly didn’t think he can drag himself out of bed that day until Jaehyun arrived and literally hauled him out of his apartment without so much as brushing his teeth.

He glances a little around. He’s sitting on the pew the farthest from the aisle, the very opposite from where he sat on Hyuck and Mark’s wedding. They are complete now. Even Kun and Ten who have been overseas ever since graduation came home for Hyuck’s funeral. He wondered if they knew that vacation in Busan would be the last time they would be with Hyuck, that they would ever be complete, would they have come home that time, too?

Taeil declined to be the one to give a message from their group. Unanimously after him, everyone decided Doyoung should be the one to do it. He wondered if Hyuck would have laughed at the idea of Doyoung giving a speech on burial if he knew it. They were always on each other’s throats, more than anybody else in the group, but Taeil also knew how much Doyoung adored Hyuck and he knew how much Hyuck looked up to Doyoung even though neither would admit it.

After Doyoung and Hyuck’s parents speeches, Mark comes up.

Mark is a mess in the podium, trying to deliver his final messages to his husband, which Taeil thinks is cruel. There are no final messages in a matter of weeks. There are no final messages in a matter of minutes. He knows Mark will have a message tomorrow, when he wakes up again with no Hyuck beside him. He knows Mark will have a message ten minutes later, when he sits alone in the table for breakfast. He knows Mark will have a message when he leaves their place and there’s no one he needs to tell he’s leaving and there’s no one there to kiss him goodbye. Final messages in eulogies are futile. The real final messages are the ones you have after the burial.

Mark’s face is a mess with all the tears that won’t stop coming from his eyes but Taeil can clearly hear every word he is saying because even if the words turn to be inaudible, the pain is not. It’s a well known language for everyone around the chapel at the moment, everyone who Hyuck loved and everyone who ever loved Hyuck.

“It hit me like a ton of bricks. You’re gone and you’re never coming back. There’s a hole in my chest the size of your fist. And there are fragments of glass lodged in my throat, making every breath a little bit harder, and every word a little bit shakier. There’s a storm forming behind my eyelids, threatening to pour.”

“My heart has shattered and the closest broom feels a thousand miles away.”

_Everyone was ignoring the one of the new freshmen in the choir practice room on Taeil’s final year before concluding his masteral degree. As the president of the choir, he took it upon himself to approach the odd boy who was leaning against the wall, a safe five meet away from the nearest person, and blankly staring ahead._

_“Hi, I’m Moon Taeil, the choir president. What’s your name?”_

_He blinked for a moment and pushed the huge frame of his glasses up his nose and bowed down. “Lee Donghyuck, sir!”_

_“This isn’t army. And I’m just a student like you,” Taeil laughed at him._

_“Oh.”_

_Taeil asked, “What were you doing earlier?”_

_“Oh, I was just in my head,” Hyuck simply said, not wanting to scare the first person to ever talk to him in the entire university on his first day about his ideas of a post-apocalyptic ARG._

_“Well, don’t stay there too much, okay?” Taeil had told him and starting then, Hyuck had stayed close to him. “Come on, let’s meet everyone else.”_

Taeil looks at the old pictures in his hands. He took it from Kun’s college scrapbooks which he brought to the funeral. It’s mostly college pictures, choir pictures to be specific. Almost always, Donghyuck is sticking close to him in every single one of them. There are pictures when they were eating samgyupsal, there are pictures after choir competitions (which they won), and there are pictures on his graduation and Donghyuck is standing beside him, smiling proudly, with the rest of the choir hovering around them.

_Hyuck,_

_I'm not sure what to say. Doyoung and the others have been messaging on the group chat but I don’t know what to say to them, too. I looked for photos of us together because I knew even if we both don't have any our friends do. Now I have been staring over this document not knowing what to say._

_How long has it been since I saw you standing alone, away from the crowd, that one choir practice when you were a freshmen and it’s my final year in the university? It's been almost five years. I realized I must have been strange with my hard-to-tell personality but you didn't treat me differently. Even when they started teasing us together, I thought it was going to be awkward and you would begin to avoid me but you didn't and just let them tease us. I always thought that was important because that made us keep what we have, a friendship._

_Who knew that the last time I would be seeing you was during your wedding day. Who knew that our first reunion when we were almost complete would also be our last with you on that overnight beach escapade you guys told me three days before. Who knew that had I opted not to drive all the way from Seoul to Busan, I would have missed the last trip we would have with you. Who knew that when we were left alone in the sea under the moonlight and you told me about your siblings and your parents and how forgetful you were when it comes to important dates and your officemates and how sometimes it was difficult to get along with some and that guy you almost dated and how he cheated on you even before you were officially together, that it was the last time I would be talking to you. Who knew that when I told you to look for me in case I didn't float after that one banana boat ride the following morning and you pulled me off the water, that it was the last time you would ever hold me._

_I had always adored our friendship even back then, even when Doyoung and Jaehyun wouldn't give up on their teasing, even after you got married and they still wouldn't give up on their teasing, because I didn't feel differently around you despite all of those emotions which could have changed a friendship to a worse._

_I couldn’t tell you thank you for being a good friend anymore. I couldn’t tell you thank you for not being awkward despite things becoming very awkward between us because of our friends. I couldn’t tell you thank you for not avoiding me even though that’s probably hat a lot of people would have done had they been in your place. I couldn’t tell you thank you for always holding my hand before we perform back then. I couldn’t tell you thank you for always making us laugh when practice was hard. I couldn’t tell you thank you for treating me the same like how you did the first time I met you. Perhaps it also wasn’t the time to tell you anymore that I liked you the way our friends were pushing us to before but I was okay with friendship especially the one you gave me which was unwavering and kind and simple. It was enough for me and I wished you all the happiness way back then and it still crushed my heart how your life was cut so abruptly by a sickness no one who knew you as the kind of person that you were was ever ready to let you go for._

_I said a lot but I still don’t know what to say. Maybe that’s what you feel when you’re not quite ready to say goodbye and you know deep inside that it’s the only thing left to say._

_Always,_

_Taeil._

He saved the document as ‘dear hyuck in heaven.docx.’

**Author's Note:**

> The spoiler I meant from notes at the beginning: Hyuck dies.
> 
> Actual note in the end: Mark's message to Hyuck was something I saw from Pinterest when my aunt died and I had been searching for comforting words. The words 'My heart has shattered and the closest broom feels a thousand miles away' was really something that hit me. I know quotes about going after what you want and doing the things you love and just doing it is so rampant these days but I just want to say they're actually true, you know. We never know when someone's going to leave us. It may seem like a movie scene or something from a book but it happens in real life, too. So tell whoever that you love them more, mend relationships than can be repaired, do the craziest shits you love doing, don't settle because you never know when it's too late.


End file.
